HFC 1993
by ThenWhenWeRetire
Summary: After 3000 years of physical therapy, Jacob is finally ready to step back into the ring...


**A/N:** Knowing what the Ultimate Fighting Championship is, or having ever watched a cage fight, is a plus for understanding this story. Although vague Fight-Club-related knowledge is probably enough.

I won't insult your intelligence by implying that you would consider taking this seriously, so I won't even bother with a warning/disclaimer this time.

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HFC 1993

#Gabriel#: And here we are at the Heavenly Fighting Championship 1993, broadcasting afterlive from the Celestial Sphere arena in gorgeous sunny Heaven... I'm Gabriel.

#Catherine#: And I'm Cathy and we are _thrilled _to be here hosting this event for you.

#Gabriel#: So. This year's HFC is _not_ to be missed, folks! We've got an undercard that's among the strongest ever, out of nearly two thousand years of competitions, and the main event? Whew!

#Catherine#: Whew is right, Gabriel! It's a good thing we're not allowed to advertise on earth, because people would be deliberately dying in record numbers just to get up here in time to see this fight. It's going to be phenomenal.

#Gabriel#: Talk about grudge matches... this week, ladies angels and gentlemen, God Himself is going to step into the ring, to avenge His _only_ loss in mixed martial arts competition-

#Catherine#: He'll be facing a _very _tough, very toned Jacob, finally recovered from his hip injury of 3000 years ago. And the fans can hardly wait.

#Gabriel#: As far as coming off a nasty injury like that... Cathy, you'd probably have a better perspective than most. What do you think?

#Catherine#: Well, Gabe, I have to say, it's a close call but if I had to bet... my money would be on God. If you look at the tapes of these guys training... can we get that footage of-... yes thanks. Now, we can see here that Jacob, maybe because he's been out of the game so long, hasn't changed his style much. He still favors wrestling takedowns... and hasn't built up his standing game as much as he should have.

#Gabriel#: Well, if it's not broke, don't fix it, right? Jacob's ground game was his strong point last time; he pinned _God _for God's sake! It's no wonder he plans to stick with a grappling-based strategy again.

#Catherine#: On the other hand, don't you think God's coaches have been working with Him on how to counter that? If I were Jacob, _especially _if I was concerned about my hip flexibility, I wouldn't plan to take the fight to the ground.

#Gabriel#: Problem is, there's no such thing as the element of surprise when your opponent is omnscient...

#Catherine#: True, true. Well, it's going to be a tough fight for Jacob regardless of how he plays it, we know that.

#Gabriel#: Any other competitor, and you'd say he has no chance...

#Catherine#: Except this is _Jacob. _During their last fight he looked _divine_.

#Gabriel#: God didn't look so bad either.

#Catherine#: God got suplexed so hard He couldn't remember His opponent's _name_, Gabe. Honestly, it could go either way... I didn't dare bet on this fight, did you?

#Gabriel#: No, I've sworn off betting on HFC altogether. I lost my entire afterlife savings on Jesus v Samson in HFC 547, I'm sure you all remember that one.

#Catherine#: You bet against _Jesus_? But that fight was textbook - he finished with his _signature move _for heaven's sake...

#Gabriel#: It's his signature move _now, _Cathy, but some of us remember back to a time when Jesus couldn't escape a crucifix if his life depended on it. No _way _we could have predicted he'd not _only _defend himself so well, but then turn right around and _use it _to finish a guy Samson's size...

#Catherine#: Samson should've seen it coming, though. Do unto others... That's how Jesus _always _finishes his fights these days: whatever you try on him first is what he's going to get you with. Pick your poison. If _you _went up against Jesus...?

#Gabriel#: Ha, I have no idea. I'd just cower on the ground until the ref pulled him off.

#Catherine#: Then it's a good thing Pilate's not reffing anymore; remember the time-

#Gabriel#: HFC 11, way back in the day.

#Catherine#: -yeah, that one. I mean, there comes a moment when as a referee you need to just man up, step in there, and call the fight. Holding onto your head with both hands does not constitute "intelligent defense." Guy was getting _killed_ but Pilate just stood there instead of stopping it...

#Gabriel#: He got his, though. Didn't _he_ lose to Salome the year after?

#Catherine#: No, no, it was two years later. Salome fought three years in a row: John the Baptist, then Jezebel, and _then _Pilate.

#Gabriel#: Ah yes you're right, and she retired after that.

#Catherine#: I don't blame her; it's only a matter of time before something happened to that pretty face, and then where would she be?

#Gabriel#: She was fierce, though... And fans sure wouldn't mind seeing her compete again. She's said she'll come back someday for one last fight...

#Catherine#: _If _and only if the HFC signs Lucifer. Do you think that'll ever happen, Gabe?

#Gabriel#: Actually, Cathy, I _have _heard some rumors... I think a lot depends on tonight's fights; if God beats Jacob then it does seem the logical next step...

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The End (?)

FYI: My understanding of the biblical God/Jacob matchup is: the fight went to ground, eventually God tapped out, Jacob very unsportsmanlikely did _not _let go, and then God leglocked him.

FYI: There is indeed a grappling move called the "crucifix," and I bet opponents would try it on Jesus all the time.

FYI: The HFC considered instituting weight classes a few years ago, but that would mean an end to the David v Goliath rematches that take place every couple of decades, which the fans love... so they decided against it.


End file.
